Veronica Speaks

"A teenaged private eye. Trust me. I know how dumb that sounds."

-- Veronica's first words in the 2014 film, in voice-over

I may have had mixed emotions about the new Veronica Mars film, but it was a treat hearing Neptune's very own girl detective once more cracking wise.

Sure, Veronica may have made a few disappointing boyfriend or career choices over the years, and the film itself may have lacked much of the emotional wallop and tightness of the original, and spent way too much time sucking up to the diehard fans who had (after all) financed it, all while gazing a little too lovingly at its own reflection,. But it might have been worth it, just to catch The Blonde One once more releasing her full snark upon anyone -- including herself -- who gets in the way.

Here, then, are some of my favourite snippets of snark, from both the original show and the movie...

  • "Can I get anyone anything? Water, coffee? A banana?"

-- the Sheriff drops by in "Silence of the Lamb"

  • "You lie down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas."
  • "Deputy Sacks, cudos for rocking the stache 'till it came back in style."

-- Veronica, always with a good word for local law enforcement. From the film.

  • "It's all fun and games till one of you gets my foot up your ass."
  • "Love stinks. you can dress it up with sequins and shoulder pads but one way or another you're just gonna end up alone at the spring dance strapped into uncomfortable underwear."
  • "Did you just call me lady?"
  • Meg: It's because people are afraid of you.
    Veronica: Then something's working...
  • Jackson (a potential client): I hear you do detective stuff for people.
    Veronica: I do favors for friends.
    Jackson: I can pay.
    Veronica: Sit down, friend.
  • "Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything. Creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild.

-- Veronica waxes philosophical, in voiceover

  • "It's like you're this giant jackass pinnata."
  • Logan: "Do you even play poker?"
    Veronica: "No... but it must be really hard id all you guys play it."
  • Meg: You believe me, right?
    Veronica: You are the last good person here at Neptune High. I believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.
  • "I love the smell of testosterone in the morning."
  • Wallace: I thought being a private eye was all about shooting dudes and making out with sexy widows.
    Veronica: Sexy widows come later.
  • "I hope we're still friends after I taser you."
  • "Well, actually, despite popular opinion you really can't beat the truth out of someone."

-- Dick Cheney evidently wasn't a Marshmallow

  • "You know those people who can predict when change is coming in their life? I'm not one of them. Change has a way of just walking up and punching me in the face."

-- Veronica in "You Think you Know Somebody." (voiceover)

  • "I have that exact same platitude-a-day calendar at home. It's how I know that beauty comes from within."

-- Veronica doesn't get along with her high school counsellor

  • Madison Sinclair: Oh, what are you gonna do? Use your stun gun on me? Don't you think that's gotten a bit old?
    Veronica (completely decks Madison): Original enough for ya?

-- from the film

  • "You're making salad? I know pity cooking when I see it. There must be more bad news."

-- Veronica to her dad

  • Cop: The sheriff wants a word with you."
    Veronica: My answer was final. I will not go to the prom with him.
  • "Mark me down as skeptical"

--episode 1:3

  • "98 out of 100 people at that party would walk over my corpse for free gum."

-- Veronica on where she fits inti Neptune High's social hierarchy

Respectfully compiled by Kevin Burton Smith. More suggestions welcome...

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