Rod Shaw's How To Tell If You're a Redneck P.I.

Rod Shaw's 32 Ways To Tell If You're a Redneck P.I.

I wrote this for a list for some of my fellow PI's and they seemed to enjoy it so I thought some of you might like it as well. Kinda long, sorry about that. Anyhoo, you know you're really a redneck P.I. if:

You take your dog on surveillance jobs, and charge for his time
You think a red 4x4 truck with the Yosemite Sam mud flaps is inconspicuous enough for tailing people.
You can carry your gun tucked in the front of your pants, but your belt buckle hides it.
You have fished or hunted while on surveillance.
Being been seen crawling around your target house in cameo carrying a gun does not make the the suspects suspicious.
You have served a subpoena on yourself, or more than one member of your immediate family.
You have turned down a lot of cases because they involved your immediate family.
Your business cards are handwritten on a 3x5 index card, and list your occupation as both Private Investigator & TV/VCR Repairman
You have more then one first name, and proudly use both (right, Jim-Bob?).
Half of the guys you went to school with are cops and the other half are in jail.
You use a friend's Polaroid camera to take surveillance photos.
You have turned in a report written on a handful of paper napkins from a fastfood restaurant.
You list things like being able to shoot the wings off a fly and tracking a snake downstream in muddy water as job qualifications, and being the winner of the last six Ruritian turkey shoots under accomplishments.
Your idea of a carrying a concealed weapon involves a shotgun and a grocery sack.
The only time you have ever worn a trench coat was during that "flasher" phase you went though a couple of years back.
You have met clients wearing bib overalls (either you or the client).
You have ever been hired to investigate a case of cow tipping.
You have done surveillance on a water tower, to see who was insulting your client's daughter's reputation.
You have taken any type of livestock or a case of beer as payment for a case. Extra points if the beer was Milwaukee Bests, Red White and Blue, Schaffers or Pabst.
You don't necessarily have a PI license, but reckon that your Sportsman Hunters License with all the extra coupons should be enough.
You have ever been unable to bring in a bail jumper because you left your handcuffs hanging on the bedpost at home (extra points if you left your spouse in them).
You paint your Buick red and insist all your friends call you Magnum.
You have ever turned down a case because The Steel Cage Death match was on rasslin' that night.
You have ever testified with a dip or "chaw" in your mouth (extra points if you got your pinch off the judges plug).
Your office is the back booth at the Stumble Inn out on Route 51 just over the county line, in the nearest "wet" county.
It took you months to convince your family that you had not become a "Revenuer".
And the last, at least for now, you have read this list and you are still trying to figure out why it is supposed to be funny. After all, ain't it just true of about everybody?

Rod Shaw is a gosh-darn real-life licensed PI in the state of Tennessee.

Drop a dime. Your comments, suggestions, corrections and contributions are always welcome.
"...and I'll tell you right out that I'm a man who likes talking to a man that likes to talk."